Making room for flexibility, connection, and enjoyment during the holidays
The holidays are approaching, bringing opportunities for connection, familiar traditions, and time with people who matter to us.
They can also bring a complicated collection of expectations, preferences, personalities, and emotional needs to navigate.
Perhaps you're already thinking about who might be disappointed if plans change, how someone might respond to a boundary, or how to accommodate different needs without creating tension.
You may find yourself mentally rehearsing conversations, anticipating reactions, or preparing ways to keep things running smoothly.
For women with ADHD, particularly those who have experienced repeated misunderstandings or felt especially sensitive to perceived rejection, anticipating other people's reactions may have become a familiar way of preparing for social situations. What looks like thoughtful consideration on the outside can sometimes involve a great deal of invisible emotional effort on the inside.
And, of course, you'd like to enjoy the holidays yourself!
But when so much attention goes toward anticipating and managing what everyone else might need or feel, it can become difficult to notice what you need along the way.
What began as thoughtful preparation can gradually become something more exhausting.
Instead of simply planning for the holidays, you may find yourself bracing for them.
Sometimes, the effort of preparing for what might happen can begin to take us away from the experience we're hoping to enjoy. If this feels familiar, you might also appreciate exploring the difference between preparing for tomorrow and living there today.
And sometimes, we don't realize how much energy we're putting into holding everything together until we have an opportunity to experience what happens when we soften our grip.
A Little Experiment in Softening Your Grip
If you're willing, let’s try a little experiment in softening your grip.
Begin by bringing your palms together in front of you, with your elbows comfortably bent.
If you'd like, begin gradually pressing your palms together, noticing the effort you're putting into maintaining that pressure. You can increase the pressure until you're using a noticeable amount of muscular effort, without straining or causing discomfort.
Hold that pressure for just a moment.
Now, if you're comfortable, the next choice is to slowly release the tension in your hands and arms while allowing your palms to remain in contact.
Give yourself a few moments to notice.
What's different?
Perhaps your shoulders soften, your breathing feels a little easier, or you notice a sense of relief extending beyond your hands and arms.
Maybe there's a little more room to move or simply be.
Whatever you notice is worth noticing. There's no particular sensation you're supposed to experience.
And here's something interesting to consider.
Your palms are still touching.
You haven't abandoned the connection.
You haven't stopped participating.
You've simply changed how much effort you're using to maintain it.
What might that possibility offer us as we navigate the holidays?
This experience of noticing the difference between muscular effort and release is also reflected in relaxation practices such as progressive muscle relaxation. The National Institutes of Health offers additional information about relaxation techniques and the relationship between physical tension and relaxation.
Navigating Holiday Expectations with More Flexibility
Imagine bringing a little of that same flexibility into your holiday plans.
Perhaps someone changes their mind about attending a gathering. A family member expresses disappointment about a decision you've made. Or an unexpected request arrives when your schedule is already full.
When we're bracing, these moments can feel like problems we must immediately solve, tensions we need to smooth over, or evidence that we haven't planned carefully enough.
But what if we don't have to respond to every unexpected development by pressing harder?
What if we can remain committed to what matters while allowing ourselves room to adjust how we engage?
Maybe that means listening to someone's disappointment without immediately changing your plans. Perhaps it means reconsidering a tradition that no longer works for everyone, including you. Or allowing yourself time to decide whether a new request is something you genuinely have the capacity to accommodate.
Sometimes, adjusting a boundary isn't about withdrawing from a relationship. It's about discovering what allows you to participate in a way that remains consistent with your needs and values.
[Internal link to “Adjusting Your Boundaries Without Losing Trust in Yourself” — URL to confirm]
There's room for Sound Boarding here, too.
We can listen, care, and offer someone space to sound things out without assuming responsibility for resolving everything they're experiencing.
Sometimes offering a listening ear is enough. We can remain present and connected without taking on the additional pressure of making everything better.
Flexibility doesn't necessarily mean giving up your preferences or responsibilities. It means having enough room to consider your options rather than feeling compelled to react.
And with less energy devoted to anticipating and managing every possible outcome, we may discover that we have more available for participating in the experience itself.
Making Room to Enjoy the Holidays You're Helping Create
When so much of our energy goes toward anticipating other people's needs, managing expectations, and preparing for possible difficulties, it's easy to lose sight of something important.
You're part of this experience, too.
Your needs, preferences, energy, and enjoyment deserve consideration alongside everyone else's.
And that doesn't mean you have to stop caring, planning, or contributing to the people and traditions that matter to you.
It may simply mean noticing when the effort you're putting into holding everything together is beginning to cost more than it's giving back.
Perhaps there's a tradition you can simplify, a conversation that doesn't need to be resolved immediately, or a change in plans that can be accommodated without rearranging everything else.
Sometimes sustainability comes from doing less. Other times, it comes from approaching what we're already doing with a little more flexibility.
And sometimes, it begins with something as simple as noticing how tightly we're holding on.
Remember the feeling of releasing the pressure between your palms while allowing them to remain in contact?
You didn't have to disconnect to experience a little more ease.
Maybe the same possibility exists in how you approach the holidays.
You can remain connected to what matters without exhausting yourself trying to hold everything in place.
And perhaps, with a little less energy devoted to bracing, you'll have more available for the experiences you were hoping to enjoy in the first place.
Frequently Asked Questions About Holiday Overwhelm
Why do I feel so emotionally overwhelmed before the holidays even begin?
Sometimes holiday overwhelm begins long before the actual gatherings. Anticipating other people's expectations, remembering difficult experiences from previous holidays, or mentally rehearsing how to navigate possible reactions can require considerable emotional energy.
When we're continually preparing for what might happen, our bodies may begin responding as though we're already navigating those situations.
Noticing this pattern can be a helpful first step. You might gently ask yourself, Am I preparing for something I can reasonably influence, or am I trying to prevent every possible uncomfortable outcome?
How can I set holiday boundaries without feeling like I'm letting people down?
Setting boundaries doesn't always prevent disappointment, and that can be especially uncomfortable when you care deeply about the people involved.
But someone's disappointment doesn't automatically mean you've made the wrong choice.
You can acknowledge their feelings, offer a listening ear, and remain considerate without assuming responsibility for changing their emotional experience.
Rather than asking how to make sure nobody feels disappointed, you might explore, What would a thoughtful, sustainable response look like for everyone involved, including me?
How can women with ADHD manage holiday overwhelm?
For some women with ADHD, holiday demands can bring additional challenges with planning, shifting expectations, emotional intensity, or sensitivity to perceived rejection.
It may help to notice where you're expending energy anticipating reactions, trying to accommodate competing needs, or holding yourself to expectations that leave little room for flexibility.
Consider experimenting with smaller commitments, allowing time before responding to requests, and checking in with your own capacity along the way.
The goal isn't to navigate every holiday situation perfectly. It's to find ways of participating that support your needs and values, too.
Finding More Room for Yourself
Learning to recognize when thoughtful preparation has become bracing can take practice, especially when anticipating other people's needs and reactions has been part of how you've navigated relationships for years.
Sometimes these patterns have helped us maintain connection, avoid conflict, or feel more prepared for difficult situations. Recognizing their purpose can be an important part of exploring whether they're still serving us in the ways we need.
And we don't have to abandon those protective intentions to begin experimenting with something different.
Therapy can offer a supportive space to explore these patterns, listen to what your emotional responses may be communicating, and develop greater trust in your ability to respond to situations as they unfold.
At Flowing Fountain, I offer EMDR therapy for women with ADHD in North Carolina and an integrative, emotion-centered approach. Together, we can explore ways to remain connected to what matters while making more room for your own needs, preferences, and well-being.
If you're curious about what that process might look like for you, I invite you to schedule a consultation.
