When Fall Leaves Stir Old Grief: Making Space for What Was and What Still Matters

As fall sets in, it can be a beautiful sight from the surface: a plethora of colors, Candy Mountain transformed into a natural work of art, and the seasonal beauty that draws so many people to the mountains of North Carolina.

However, to some, leaves turning color and falling to the ground can symbolize enough of death to pierce old wounds of loss that continue to need some healing.

As ADHDers, we are often no strangers to strong emotions, including grief. We may find ourselves arrested by intense waves of emotion that feel unpredictable and confusing, especially when there isn't much we can do to erase what happened in the past. Understanding how ADHD and trauma can intersect may offer another way of making sense of these experiences.

Maybe the wound has to do with the death of a professional dream, blocked by the unforeseen sabotage of corporate scheming.

Maybe it is the death of an important relationship that might have survived with the help of assertive communication skills that simply weren't learned by the time they were needed.

Maybe it is the loss of a loved one you tried desperately to keep at bay for years, only to discover that fate had other plans in the end.

Whatever the loss, it is worthy of time and space for reconsolidation—for taking stock of what was, honoring what was, allowing what needs release an exit, and becoming curious about what is still valuable about what you remember so that it can be preserved and carried forward in a way that works for your future.

For women seeking EMDR for Women with ADHD in North Carolina, this kind of intentional reflection can be one way of beginning to explore what remains unresolved while gently making room for what comes next.

So, what might that look like?

Give Grief a Time and Place

Find a day and time each week that best suits the energy you have available for reflecting. It could be anywhere from thirty minutes to around an hour.

Think about where you would like to do this reflecting—preferably somewhere you are least likely to be interrupted. Outside or inside? What temperature and lighting feel comfortable? What would you like to write on? What would you like to write with?

Schedule it in your calendar and/or set a reminder on your phone.

By assigning your grief a time and place, the unpredictable waves may begin to feel a little less overwhelming simply because you have somewhere to put them and a time when you know you will address them. You don't have to process everything exactly when the wave hits.

In the moment, you might respond to a wave of grief by saying:

"I hear and see you. You are valid, and you deserve my undivided attention, which is available at this other time."

Then write down the fine points under your grief appointment in your calendar or in your grief reminder.

You aren't dismissing the grief. You're letting it know that it has a place.

Draw a Circle

When your reflection time arrives, draw a circle on your piece of paper.

As you reflect, put the wonderful things you remember on the inside of the circle and the things that were not so wonderful on the outside of the circle.

Allow whatever comes to mind to have a place to be, resting assured that it is there for a reason.

You may notice swells of emotion from time to time. Know that this can be an expected part of grieving. There will be a beginning, middle, and end to each swell.

Each swell can be a confirmation of how beautiful the connection—or possibility—was between you and the way things were.

Grief is often intimately intertwined with the opportunity for appreciation.

From What Was Lost to What You Value

Once your reflection on the details feels complete, go around the outside of the circle.

For each thing that is written there, ask yourself:

What would I like to see instead of this?

For example:

"I'm not going to miss his snoring waking me up at night."

might become:

"I value peace and quiet when I sleep."

Once you have identified the replacement, put it on the inside of the circle and cross out the original phrase.

Keep going around the circle until all you have left is a master list of what you value on the inside.

You can either stop here as the end of your grieving session for the day or week, or you can continue to the next phase.

If you choose to stop here, read through the values one more time. Notice any shifts inside yourself in response to the previous swell of ups and downs now being represented in positively stated form.

Then take a moment to notice something important:

You—and you alone—were the one who made that difference on the inside of you.

Savor that knowledge before continuing through your day.

Carrying What Matters Forward

If you choose to continue to the next phase—or when you return for your next appointment with grief—get curious about each item on the inside of the circle.

Ask yourself:What ways, within my current realm of control, could I intentionally carry this value forward in remembrance of that experience? This kind of intentional movement can be part of the shift from bracing to balance.

For example, perhaps you remember:

"I really adore the way she read that story to me, with all the unique voices she used."

You might decide to share that very story with children in your life. Maybe you volunteer at a school or library and read that specific book to children in your community.

The experience is gone.

But perhaps something meaningful from the experience doesn't have to be.

You get to decide what is worth carrying.

Let the Practice Change With You

You may notice a need to reinvent the whole exercise each time you return to the practice.

That, too, is just fine.

Feel free to make it your own.

Use your judgment about the pace you need to work through each item. Maybe you spend a whole session on one value. Maybe one value asks for a month of focus.

Both are completely valid.

The important thing is to listen to what is needed inside you, follow through on whatever comes up, and allow yourself credit for any inner positive shift you notice.

When Grief and Old Wounds Keep Asking for Attention

Sometimes grief isn't simply about missing what was.

Sometimes a loss opens the door to older wounds—to experiences of being misunderstood, overlooked, rejected, overextended, or unable to advocate for what you needed at the time. For some women with ADHD, those experiences can also become intertwined with years of masking and trying to find connection while hiding parts of themselves.

For women with ADHD, those layers can become especially complicated when years of masking, people-pleasing, rejection sensitivity, or feeling chronically misunderstood have become intertwined with the experience of loss. Research and clinical discussion of ADHD in women increasingly recognize the emotional cost of masking and hiding difficulties.

This is one of the places where EMDR for Women with ADHD in North Carolina may offer another pathway for exploring what still feels unresolved. EMDR therapy has also been used within clinical frameworks for grief and mourning, including work with distressing memories, present triggers, and unresolved losses.

And sometimes the goal isn't to stop remembering.

Sometimes it is to remember without having the memory decide what happens next.

Fall reminds us that letting go and carrying forward can happen at the same time.

The leaves don't stop being beautiful because they fall.

Perhaps some of our experiences can become like that, too.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can ADHD make grief feel more intense?

People with ADHD may experience emotions intensely, and grief can sometimes arrive in powerful or unpredictable waves. This doesn't mean that everyone with ADHD experiences grief the same way, but understanding your own emotional patterns can make it easier to approach grief with curiosity rather than judgment.

Why can fall bring up feelings of grief?

Seasonal changes can serve as reminders of change, endings, and the passage of time. For some people, sights, sounds, places, or traditions associated with fall may also bring memories of previous losses to the surface.

Can I work through grief without trying to forget what happened?

Yes. Grief work doesn't have to mean forgetting, minimizing, or “getting over” what happened. It can involve honoring what mattered, allowing difficult emotions to have space, and identifying what you want to carry forward from the experience.

What is the circle exercise described in this article?

The circle exercise is a reflective practice in which you place meaningful memories and experiences inside a circle and difficult or unwanted aspects outside it. You then explore what you would like to experience instead and identify the values you want to carry forward. The exercise can be adapted to your own needs and pace.

Can EMDR help with unresolved grief or old wounds?

EMDR may be one therapeutic approach to consider when grief is intertwined with distressing memories, unresolved experiences, or old wounds that continue to carry emotional charge. EMDR for Women with ADHD in North Carolina can provide a structured setting for exploring these experiences with a trained therapist, while allowing the work to proceed at a pace that feels manageable.

You Don't Have to Carry It All Alone

Sometimes making space for what was is the first step toward discovering what still matters.

If old wounds continue to surface—or if you find yourself wanting support as you sort through what to release, what to honor, and what to carry forward—therapy can offer a place to do that work at a pace that respects your nervous system and your story.

I provide EMDR for Women with ADHD in North Carolina, offering a neurodivergent-affirming space to explore unresolved experiences and make room for what comes next.

If this feels like the kind of support you've been looking for, you're welcome to schedule a 15-minute consultation to see if we're a good fit.