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On the outside, you seem to others like you’re handling most moments as well as the next gal, meeting deadlines with 99% accuracy.  At work, your boss and coworkers see you as a pleasure to have aboard the team with your calm, quiet smile.  They can always count on you for a vote of agreement toward the majority opinion. 

On the inside, however, you see the world through a very different lens. You often struggle to “get in the zone”.  You wish you could use your time more efficiently, but so many times, you  make coffee or walk around the block  with intentions of preparing to focus, but by the time you get to the actual task, time is up and the thing still isn’t done.

This must leave you feeling depleted.  It also must cut in on so many other vital parts of you, including yoga class, walks with friends, and being emotionally present with your kids and partner.  These days, it seems your only focus is saving time for catching up on projects as soon as your kids’ heads hit the pillow.

Needless to say,  you end up  burning the midnight oil in the living room amid the computer screen glow, while your husband and children are long-since asleep, trying to catch up from your earlier unintended slack hours, executing failed attempts to get in the zone during work hours. 

When you do see your fellow yogis, your stomach knots every time you hear them express how much they miss seeing your smiling face.  A tinge of guilt seeps from your heart all the way down your body and into your toes. You respond with, “I’m trying to get my ducks in a row so I can come back.” But on the inside, you are overwhelmed with the very idea of starting that process. 

Meanwhile, at work, the accumulating loss from these blunders alone are discouraging to the core.  It may be each failure itself that seems to permanently stamp in your mind that you will never amount to anything and that everything you try to do is either draped in a thick mucus of difficulty or is totally impossible.